I am sitting at my laptop this evening perplexed by the last 48 hours of events that transpired within our home. My hope is that placing the incodenses in print form will allow for some self reflection and hopefully in addition some ideas regarding where we go from here.
I was sitting in this very spot last night surfing the internet looking through some wishlist items my husband and I agreed upon allotting some money towards. This particular purchase is a big deal to me. To be honest I am really trying to learn how to shop again. I have really developed a strong “I don’t need anything” mentality. While I am correct, I do not require some of these items to survive, I have noticed that when I dotingly provide myself with the correct attire to get the job done in line with my personal aesthetic I notice it kick-starts my confidence. Show me a woman who does not need a feeling of “I can do anything in these pants”- I cannot think of any.
Anyway this particular item will be the largest purchase I have ever made for a personal garnish. (I wonder if I will get over this, if the next time I do this it wont give me such inner turmoil). I am 32 now and I do think this is a pretty common feeling. After spending just under a decade in the parenting trenches I am feeling like I am at a loss for knowing what I want/like. I find myself asking myself these existential questions like “what does this item say about the inner workings of my mind?”, “that one requires that I do this extra step in my minimal self care routine, am I willing to dedicate some of my time each week to cleaning and maintaining this piece?”, “Will this make me happy?” (that one is easy, I know the answer is no hahaha, but it would be nice if it could).
And because I do not know the answer to all of these questions I continue to sit here. In limbo, a purchase paralysis if you will. Scrolling through countless images confirming the fact “that I do NOT want that!”. So I know very strongly what I dislike and have whittled away to the only thing left that I do not hate and I wonder… “Is this what it has come to?”. Is this purchase of this special item going to come down to getting the only thing that fits my parameters and I do not hate it. If I was in my 20’s again and had those beautiful rose colored glasses on and the pandemic that has made me so suspicious of joy hadn’t happened would I be able to know for certain?
I know this is a very surface level problem- and it will sort itself out in time. But as I like to do, I am going to run this parallel to some God lessons I have also been pondering.
My thought is as you go along into this life God has called us to when you put your head down and trudge through the everyday and you need to make a decision has time worn down the calling or direction of our lives- are we still listening? Or have we switched into auto pilot. Or have we disregarded the calling or shift in our calling for so long that we know longer know who we are in Christ? How do we get back to a “heck yes” and away from a “well I know for sure I don’t want that?”. Obviously even on the simple non spiritual things I am struggling with this, so consider the source and remember I am not Jesus. But I know I need to find a way back to that “heck yes” answer. So I will start small and eventually take the plunge. I will wait and keep on testing my tolerance for “absolutely not” things lol. We will figure this out. Seems like a good time to pray.
“Dear God, I pray that you help me disconnect from the distractions of this life and reconnect with the person you have made me to be. I pray that my life will be used by your far better judgement and that the flaws in my character will reveal your glory to the humans I spend time with. And if you have an extra moment, will you also help me to be excited about this worldly gift I have the blessing to receive.
AMEN!