Today I broke our website. We have been operating with the same site for about six years now- on my own for about four or those years. I have broken it twice before, once I clicked a wrong button and just “hid it” from the world, second I had a security breach that “hid” it once again. This time, in an attempt to speed up the load time I dedicated a small portion of my day with childcare to sitting down and updating everything. I updated it so good that my site is no longer compatible with the doo dad that provides the thingy for the site to operate (that sentence there is just a little example of why I probably should not be mucking about with the site).
Of course my initial frustration with the situation rolls into some seriously nasty internal dialogue I have for myself ready on a loop for just a moment such as this.
“Joanne if you would have just asked for help first you could have avoided this”- that one is probably accurate. Then we spiral into “You are no good at this, you shouldn’t have any access to anything important! How have you even survived this long? How are you even still alive? You’re such a dummy. Why does anyone trust you to deliver anything decent? What are you even doing here, who do you think you are?”
It is painful to even proofread those things. The phrases are easy to point out now in the plain black an white font that they are not true. And yet they sit in the dark vault of my mind waiting to pick at any attempt I make outside of my comfort zone. Do you have an internal dialogue waiting like the hecklers up in the opera box from the muppets, Statler and Waldorf- google it and you’ll know who I am talking about.
Last year, in the beginning of September I had a realisation of how far I had let myself be dragged down by my own bullying. It was a moment in my life where I took account of who “I am to God” versus who I was telling myself I was. I imagined for a moment the love I felt for my own children then recognized that times one gagillion (my son’s new favourite number) was who I am to my loving Father. I started wondering if I spoke, and cared for myself as a child of God what would that look like. If I could offer grace and encouragement to replace the evil things I have been saying to myself what would I say…
“Joanne, you have so many wonderful people who want to help you, who can we ask for help? This was something new you tried, this is just a step in the right direction for learning this new process. You made this from scratch, we can just make it again. You are alive because you have been created for a specific purpose and I (God, your loving father) know all and see all and you cannot single handedly destroy anything without me allowing it. You are brave for continuing to learn and fail in the public eye. I created you and blessed you with a gift to love my people. You are doing my (God’s) work and therefore I will sustain and keep you.”
I would like to challenge you to catch your internal dialogue with a pen and paper. What hurtful things are you saying to yourself that continue to separate you from having a loving relationship with your creator.