I wrote this almost a year ago now and I feel like now is the appropriate time to publish this little diddy. I find it amazing how reading this over again reminds me of how incredibly important this last year has been in my families life. I will never be done learning and I know I will feel sad again, but I am so incredibly thankful I was able to walk through this dark time. I will be able to look back at that time as a marker for how low I was and how strong our Father is to be able to reach down and pull me back up to the light. Always humbled and always thankful.
Enjoy
Love
Joanne
Blog October 23 2018
“Burn Out”
There was a season recently in my life where I was feeling totally burnt out. It lasted periodically for approximately two years. Now all onlookers who know us a little will probably be quick to point out that I have a little tornado whos appearance in our lives seems to match up with this timeline, but I don’t want to give him all the credit. It would go to his head, and we can’t have that. After the joyus summer off with our new little babe it was time to get back to work. I had paired down my teaching to one day a week ( six and a bit classes) a solid fifty percent less work. That should be perfect I thought. On paper it looked like it should have worked. However; in reality transitioning from the one super chill babe to the hustle of caring for two precious, emotional, irrational souls was outrageously taxing. I was so thankful for my work and for my family but I was feeling a ton of resentment towards all my blessings.
We had a lot of incredible times during those two years. Family trips to remarkable places where we got to meet new and ultra fantastic people. My eldest taught herself a lot of valuable life lessons including, you don’t pass swimming lessons if you refuse to participate, you break it you buy it, and I am pretty sure she has asked Jesus into her heart based on the fruits of the spirit we are beginning to see in her (her walk with Jesus has been interesting, but I will save that parenting story for another time). My Baby is no longer a baby. He is attempting to potty train himself along with doing all the other things the “big boys” do. We also celebrated many accomplishments with our LOFT families. Graduations, lots of firsts ( solos, competitions, performances, students driving), watching our dancers choose Jesus over worldly things. These are huge victories and I love every possible second of each of them. But man, I was feeling a little worse for wear.
I began waking up later and later and when I would wake up I would be longing for night time to come again. For the day to hurry up and take what it needed from me so I could curl back up under the covers. I felt like my body was depressed. My heart and soul were chasing after God and I was so honored to be apart of this beautiful reality but I was physically so tired. I tried “Self Care”. I am a primo spa lover- so I would have a bath and burn candles, relentlessly enforced a lot quite time in the middle of the day, I would even go out on my own at least once a week. It all felt good but ultimately I was sticking a bandaid on a much deeper wound. I would come home and feel completely smothered by my responsibilities. I would lash out, mostly at my husband and others who I loved deeply and I knew loved me back, and walked around with what felt like a ball and chain looped up around my neck.
It was dark. Finally my husband called me out , “What will make you happy again? Why are you so miserable?”. I knew something was wrong with my attitude but felt so guilty for feeling the way I did. I thought I was keeping my mood to myself- Ha! Apparently I wasn’t concealing my demons as well as I thought I was. There was another thing too. I am a fixer by nature and if I knew how to make myself better I would have done it already. I explained my situation to a couple of close friends during my “blue” period. I tried some different things on my own with no prevail. I even had my wisdom teeth removed during this time because they were causing me so much pain. I thought maybe this would be the fix, “I must be depressed because I am in pain”. The point is I was trying to fix it myself. FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS I hadn’t asked for God’s help. I prayed everyday for no pain or for my kids salvation or for whatever was happening with our dance families but I had never asked for His help with me. I realized this while sitting in a bible study lecture when the speaker asked “do you not pray for what you need because ultimately you do not believe He will do it?”. Had I done that? Had I never asked God to help me because I was afraid He wouldn’t be able to get me out of my funk. The short answer was, Yes, totally. I am one hundred percent guilty.
I know that it is that I am totally afraid He might say “No” or “Not right now” or “just wait until it gets really bad, you haven’t seen nothing yet” or “ I didn’t realize I had given you so many blessings, maybe I should take some of those back”. I am also afraid that I won’t have any control over the trajectory of my life. I am fearful that any “failure” would be my “fault” and that I would be the cause of public discomfort or humiliation of my family; immediate and extended. I also know that God has created me for a purpose and that is to bring glory to His name. I have read my bible and have studied many cases where the prideful villain of the story was used to demonstrate the full magnitude of God’s wrath and majesty. I have also studied many stories where God uses people with fears like mine despite themselves for miracles that defy human logic and understanding. I want to be part of the second group!
Now words with no actions mean nothing. I have experienced healing with regards to my exhaustion-Amen. The healing has come from God through the forms of prayer, added hours of sleep, exercise, and last but certainly not least reading and actively studying God’s word. It is not easy to be disciplined (especially with my evenings and when Netflix has the next episode starting in 5,4,3,2. . .) and it is no miracle formula to success.I have also found enormous amounts of peace in sharing my struggles- I share because I know that my experience is not so very unique and we are all mulling through our own reasons we are not handing our lives entirely to Him. I am praying that this gets easier for all of us.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for making us dependable on you. Thank you for your ability to provide rest when we think we will receive none and energy to accomplish the tasks you put before us. Thank you for not giving up on us and using us despite our trepidations. I love you and I am so humbled by your presence in my day to day life.- AMEN
One Month Later-
Over that next week I prayed for His healing and that He would give my body the strength I needed to combat the work that He had given me to do. A bunch of things came into my life that same week. My sister who is a fantastic coach with BeachBody hunted me down and got me started on a program designed to push your body and mind further that ever before. My husband gave me an incredible book, “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis and I finally started completing my weekly bible studies. In addition it seemed as if all the sermons at our church were directed towards some of my deepest anxieties regarding raising children to follow God. He set up a team to take care of my mind, my body and my soul. The moment I asked He provided what I had been trying to do myself for literally years.
Now I feel it is important to stress that God is not a genie waiting to grant your every wish. I also feel like it is important to note that this is how it happened for me this time. There are seasons in our lives where God answers our prayers with a firm “No” or a “not right now” or maybe it even seems like He is not listening. Both of these have happened in my life too. However, I like the visual of me running a marathon. I am huffing and puffing and dying of exhaustion. Jesus is riding along beside me on a motorcycle. He yells out to me “hop on”, He will give me the ride to the finish line and and I reply “No, I am helping you get to the end”.That makes absolutely no sense.I believe in the saving power of Jesus!- I feel like there needs to be an amen after that- AMEN! Why do I think the God that made a man from dirt and me from a rib and the earth and the sky. Why do I think He needs me to do it on my own because my problems will just be a little too much for Him? Heck No! My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, and theres nothing my God cannot do (for you! Felt wrong not to finish the song)!
-AMEN